Relationships

Today I felt the overwhelming need to speak to those who are close to someone battling illness. 

My husband was recently diagnosed with Morphea Profunda Scleroderma, an auto immune disease. The disease can be put in remission, but there is no cure. The diagnosis came as both a relief and a profound distress. On the one hand, we know what is ailing him and, therefore, can move forward with medications that will hopefully ease his symptoms and put it into remission. The concern is the unknown, the uncertainty of the progression, the possibility it may not go into remission, the prospect of loss of mobility and motor function, loss of limbs and/or the degradation of the internal organs.

For those going through any sort of serious illness or recovery from injury, I can only express my profound sympathy. For those who are standing on the sidelines, watching a loved one suffer, this post is for you.

On a daily basis, people ask me how he is doing. I am so grateful for the concern, good thoughts and prayers that so many have expressed. On the flip side, not one person has asked me if I'm OK. This may sound selfish to those who have not been in this situation, but I will gladly defend my point.

Imagine watching someone you love in such intolerable pain and know there is nothing you can do to help relieve it. Imagine the constant worry of having to support (financially, emotionally and physically) your partner for the rest of his/her life. Imagine watching the person you love completely transform due to the medications they have been prescribed to combat their illness. Imagine the prospect of losing the person you love. 

The constant doctors visits, the emotional and physical support, not to mention the day to day tasks that you must take on because they cannot do the most menial of tasks without pain or exhaustion. The toll it takes on personal relationships is incomprehensible. Your entire world as you know it is turned upside down, the focus of your being is caring for the person you love. There are no date nights, no barbecues with friends, no vacations. Your life is now dedicated to their care and well being. Imagine always wearing a brave face and having to stay strong as to not put unnecessary stress and worry on the one you love. Imagine being absolutely consumed every minute of every day about the uncertainty of your future. 

For those of you going through this, I empathize with you and pray for you. For those of you whom have yet to experience this, please be patient and kind to everyone and anyone you meet. You have no idea what lies behind that giant smile or far away eyes.



I recently had lunch with a girlfriend I haven't seen in a long time, too long really and that was all my fault. We had been trying to get together for the last few months, but with conflicting schedules, kids, etc., it took a while before it finally happened.

We both have had some serious life changes since we had last seen each other so there was much to talk about. No small talk, no uncomfortable pauses, we just jumped right in. Relationships, work and (best of all) girl talk. It was as if no time had passed at all.

I knew I missed her but I didn't know how much I missed her, and our friendship, until that day. I didn't realize how important her friendship was to me until we got together again. I had no idea how important having a confidante, a comrade and a partner in crime was to me. I had switched gears and convinced myself I didn't need that connection. I told myself I didn't need that support, that security in knowing that your girls will always be there for you. 

Now I am certain I could not have been more wrong. I can't do it all alone, nor do I want to.

When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. - Deepak Chopra

When I first came across this quote I knew I had to share it. It is such a fundamental truth no matter who your partner is. Be it a business partner, family member, friend or spouse, this philosophy applies. When I was having the most difficulty in my relationships, I was personally struggling and dissatisfied. It was so much easier to project my frustrations and focus on the shortcomings of those around me than to acknowledge and correct my own personality defects.

Conversely, when you are happy and content, you can thank yourself. Nothing external can be credited for your fulfillment, that is something that can only be achieved by you.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. While unpacking Christmas decorations we came across a box with our wedding DVD in it and it made really made me think. I started reminiscing about the wedding, our relationship, our history.

I have said many times "How many perfect days do you have in your life? A day you make every green light, find money and not have to wait in line at the post office or grocery store? You don't get many days like that in your life, why would anyone think because its your wedding day it will be one of those days?". I have said that mostly to stressed out brides, trying to give them a little perspective. It seems so sad to me that such an amazing day can be overshadowed by the napkins being folded wrong or the DJ playing "YMCA" when specifically asked him not to. 

I feel like marriage (and life) is a lot like your wedding day. A lot of planning and work goes into it and there is a clear vision of what you want. But no matter how much you want everything to be perfect, not everything is going to go according to plan. 

When I finally understood and embraced that concept, my marriage (and my life) became a lot less stressful. When I choose to focus on all the wonderful things about my husband, not the dishes he leaves in the sink or the fact his dirty laundry never seems to make it into the laundry basket, I can be a better wife and person. Make no mistake, I'm not advising anyone to ignore the not so great stuff, just don't focus on it.